Momming 101
We’re having a rough morning here in the Courtney household. I did everything I should. I had breakfast ready, lunch packed, outfits picked. I calmly ushered them into each transition “We have 3 minutes left to eat, then we’ll brush our teeth and get dressed..” We were ready to get to school on time (and then some). And yet…
At the last minute Cam lost her shoe. When we found her shoe, she realized she must have moved (and misplaced) the lunch box I’d prepared for her, and left on the kitchen counter. Both of us turned into a frenzy of screams and near tears. We can’t be late again!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!
And yet…
7:32. Two minutes late. Just like every other freaking day. I’ve tried everything. Getting them up earlier, moving them along earlier. By ALL ACCOUNTS we should have been on time today. I planned this morning so that we would have TEN MINUTES to spare. And yet…
Sigh. I am not even slightly proud of my behavior this morning. Despite “doing it all right” I still feel like I handled it “all wrong.” As she became frenzied, I became frenzied. I lost my cool. I told her she would have to buy lunch today, at which she really lost it (she doesn’t like the school lunch, except pizza on Friday..). But what else was there to do? We cant find lunch. We’re running late. It was the only viable solution. After I felt a little cooled off, I tried to explain (again) why it’s so important that we put things in their place, and that all of our mornings will go more smoothly if things are where they are supposed to be. I don’t think she heard me. I think she was too upset. I tried to smooth it over, said “I love you, have a better day,” and I would try, too. And yet…
By the time I arrived home after (another late) drop off, I started crying. My yelling at her accomplished nothing except sending her to school upset. I hate the thought that she’s sitting in class beating herself up right now over a rough morning. I did inevitably find the lunch box (under a tipped over couch cushion). I’ll bring it to school shortly, with a note on it, apologizing for yelling. Let me explain…
Every single day, we parents are inundated with “articles” on how we’re fucking up our kids (pardon the language, but really…). We’re letting them use technology too much (but not enough to keep up with kids from other countries, so they’re “behind”). We aren’t involving them in enough after school activities to keep them physically fit (but we are overburdening them with stuff to do…) Stay at home moms aren’t good role models because we don’t work outside the home and have no ambition in life. Working moms don’t care about their kids because they only see their kids like an hour a day. We aren’t feeding them nutritiously enough (and then you read articles about how the organic food you’re spending your life savings on ISN’T ORGANIC ENOUGH…I swear, I can’t , I fucking can’t…). It’s enough to make the most well adjusted parent’s head explode. Toss in the fact that I, personally, am a single parent and ALL of this falls on me, and me only, and I’m a freaking basket case of “I don’t want to mess them up!!!!! PLEASE DON’T MESS THEM UP!!”
That’s why I recently decided to STOP reading those articles. I think so many of us have gotten so lost in the plethora of information that comes our way about parenting that we’ve stopped listening to our own gut instincts. We’ve stopped realizing that when it comes to kids, parenting is not “one stop shopping.” Kids are like snowflakes, each one unique in it’s make up. Why would we think that one (or several) 10 paragraph articles could sum up what we’re supposed to do, or what works for each family?? I can tell you that my very own 3 children, all of the same exact genetic make up, are vastly different from one another; with totally different personalities, their own likes, dislikes, learning styles, needs for comfort or attention, and differing needs from me. While I’m still getting to know my youngest (in terms of his needs), I can tell you he’s a wild child. More wild than my other two ever were (and therefore, more wild than I could have imagined any of my kids being). He needs constant supervision. He’s bright, talkative, inquisitive, but head strong. My middle guy is a mush. He needs constant cuddles and praise. He’s sensitive to thinking people aren’t being nice to him, or aren’t proud of him. He’s sweet as can be, but also head strong (in fact, head strong is the only thing all 3 have in common…).
Then there’s my Cami girl. Who’s frenzied face this morning is etched in my mind and hurting my heart. She lives by the rule book. It helps her make sense of a world that makes no sense to her right now. She’s the kid who will grapple the most with losing Kenny, because she knew him (and remembers him) before he changed. Before radiation took most of him away, and then the tumor took the rest. She finds comfort in bullet points that apply to everyone. Including me, which I will oblige. Not because I’m a weak parent. Not because I’m a passive parent. Just because I’m a parent doing the best she can by each of her kids. Some days I’m okay at it. Some days I’m writing apology notes on lunch boxes.
Not everyone will agree with me. In fact, many of you might not. And that’s a ok by me. As long as everyone else does what they think is right for their kids, I’m pretty sure that’s all any of us can do.