How I found (and lost) me again. I smell a challenge!
When I was a kid, one of the things I heard most about me was that I was fiery. As I grew up, and as life got heavier, bit by bit, I felt all the things I liked about myself drain away. By the time I was 35, newly widowed, suffering from caregiver burnout (and life devastation), I felt lost, invisible, desperate to figure myself out. It was a lonely road for me; not just because I'd lost my partner, but because I didn't know anyone who had been where I was. I’m sure I had friends who tried, but none of them had set a toe in my shoes. I was torn, broken…I felt pressure to find a “version” of me that my old friends or family could still relate to, but I couldn’t find any piece of her. My self-esteem was crushed by life, by judgement, and by years of putting myself last. Life had drained me, of all of my "me-ness."
But something strange happened after the first couple of years. Among the unexpected side effects of loss, was learning how to care for (and about) myself. I learned how to let the weight of other people's opinions roll off of my shoulders. To practice all the self-love, self care, self growth things that I could muster. I stopped apologizing for who I am, or what brings me joy. I read and wrote frequently, I went for massages and facials, I received acupuncture, and took fitness classes. I enhanced my education, I took time away from my kids, and even started to explore the world. Do you know what I figured out? The more I cared for me, the better I was at the "rest" of life. I was never a better person, or parent, than when I took care of myself. Bruised and battered, but determined to rise. Dorky and awkward, but okay with my level of “weird.” I was the kitchen dance party mom, the “shows up with energy” mom, the cuddly mom, the “lets cook together” mom. I didn’t even notice anymore whether or not other people like me, because I did.
When I first moved back to New Jersey nearly four years ago, I felt prepared to continue this road of self-discovery and love. I promised myself I wouldn’t let go of “me” again. Of course, just like before, though, that’s exactly what happened.
I fell in love three years ago, and the life changes came fast and furious...a marriage, a move, a job, another move, a baby, and suddenly all the kids had 100 places to be, every day. These are the things I'd hoped, that I’d DREAMED about, when I was in the throes of solo parenthood; but change, even good change, can throw "all the things" up in the air. Integrating so much into my life, so quickly, made very little space for self care. I realized recently that I haven't felt "myself," in a long while. Every day, it bothers me, more. I miss me. I think my family probably misses me, too.
I decided the time to fix this, is now…not five years from now, not when the kids are older, not when I get more sleep or have less responsibility. Let’s be honest, with a family this size, it might never happen. My kids deserve their best mom, and I deserve to be able to give her to them. It will be harder this go around, but when I remember how much better I could “wife” and “mom” when I was me, I realize she’s worth the effort to find. Wish me luck!
What do you do for self-care? Any hacks or tips? Share away!!